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01 February 2010 @ 08:14 pm
 since I have written in this hah.....oh how so much has gone down. Everyone I thought I knew is basically out of my life now. Shocking kind of the people that literally shaped who I am today are no longer having any involvement in me....they all love each other but they made me and then left me. hah fuck them im better off without them. In the absence of everything that matters you really what is truly important. To bad normally its to late to do that. I wish I could figure stuff out in my life without having to learn everything the hard way but I guess thats the penalty for being stubborn and hard headed. Well clean slate now kind of. My slate is not all that clean yet...I always get some type of attachment to someone...I constantly get told how bad that is cause no one wants a guy like me attached to them but sometimes i think i might just float away if i wasnt attached somehow. Im getting really sick of how greedy most people are. REALLY FUCKING SICK. I dont get the attachment people have to money and whatnot...i mean yeah its cool but is it worth causing all the drama / misery it causes why cant we all just get along lol. I wish i didnt always like people who didnt like me....hopefully one day i wont be singing that tune anymore im sure for anyone who knows me that i have been singing it for awile. At least i have a new best friend :( not rly what i wanted but its still nice she is an amazing girl. 
23 October 2009 @ 11:45 am
 am in love with you darling. Your cute and funny and smart and give me all the attention I will ever need. I know we just met but marry me lol I don't want to let this one get away <333 
27 March 2009 @ 03:17 am
If a friend started reading your journal today, what would you need to fill them in on so they could understand what you're writing about?
The names of the people I choose not to tell. But I think I real friend would already know.
Current Music: Hollywood Undead
27 March 2009 @ 02:59 am
You were my affliction
You damned me to a fate worse then hell
To live without the one I loved was horrid
But you not only denied me
You sold me out to everyone I love    
In the worst fashion you took my words
Twisted them into evil lies that you spit
Through your crooked soft smile

  Its a  bad day when you dream of killing your love
  Its a bad day when you Forge her ticket to the grave    
  But that day has come and I wont regret
  Her death at my hands will feel so sweet
  What happens to me afterwards I dont care
  I died when I was sold out for cheap affection
  So my earthly death has been a long time coming
  I hope the next time his chubby lips caress your
  Artificial body he chokes on the scent of your self hatred
  Because in the end no one ever really hates you as much you do
  It all becomes clear over time the abusee became the abuser
  Well sweetheart it doesnt work that way for me
  I dont let things or take them lightly I never have

      When I was a kid I was told I can do or have anything I want
      Its all a matter of will power.....well that I have
      It seems like the world around me manifest ways to stop this from happening
      I will make a deal with the dark lord himself if it will save me from this
      If god exsist why doesnt he save from what I have done to myself
      Why didnt he warn of the misery to come....why when i am down and out and i ask for
      help does he not answer...not even a whisper saying hang on there are few people that
      Will wisper in my ear these days and i cant take there motives as clear because i cant
      judge there hearts...or can i..they say its for god to judge and we are but men
      I find that hard to believe i think i have decided im aloud to judge and if god is out there
      He can stop me because I have been judged my entire life for doing nothing more then being myself
      I havent seen him stand up for me yet and I dont think he is ever going to time for me to stand up for
      myself there is a reason im alive and despite what you think I will find it..and everyone save for
      A choice few will choke on there own vomit when they realize how I truly am...to the one person who can
      see it now i wish you the best luck ever you amaze me in ways no one ever has but i am on a journey    
      One that you cant be part of im sorry I wish I could bring but your not the right fit im sure there is  
      Someone out there for you to be with but that person isnt me With the utmost love I say this and know that  
      I mean because I say all this to myself why would I lie to myself

My obsession with loves grows every day
I want it like a greedy corp needs cash
It fuels me to wake up and gives me a reason to sleep
I am not sure if I can love a person though
That alone scares to the shit out of me
If I can't love someone and my entire life revolves
around love and the search for it am I alive for no reason
I hope I am insane at least then I have a reason for so much doubt
For if I am sane...and this is what it means to be human
Then I envy the dirt its created to do a job and not ponder why it exsist
I dont even have to try to survive its handed to me there is no challenge
My life is so fucking effortless it disgust me people want to say im spoiled
I dont know what work is like well you can thank my fucking situation
Stop blaming me.

Why is it so fucking difficult to see into me
Am I but a monster for people to stare at and wander what i think
It is possible to get close I dont bite but no one will
I am quiet I am sorry i dont chat my head off with useful bullshit
instead I actually THINK about everything everyone says and does
Thats why I am quiet I am not trying to scheme or decieve I just live in my head
Its my way of not getting hurt by writing this I am trying to get out of my head I dont know
If anyone will read any of this but if you do please take it to heart and ponder it all
Really think about it then maybe you can see me in a different light I am so tired
Of trying to tell people I lack a way with words and im not smooth so it comes out
akward and weird and people ignore what i am saying because of how i am saying it well
if you have ever wanted to know whats going on in  my head here it is here is me! theres
alot more that i could fill a library with and who knows maybe I will I think that would be nice
I library of all my thoughts that I could loan out to people so they could see how I felt about a subject
and see what my take was on it maybe i would have books only 1 or 2 pages long i guess thats more of an essay
Oh well i would still be able to let people into my head without them seeing me as a weirdo
Sadly I feel as if know one wants to be in my head thats a depressing thought thinking that one wants to know what makes
you tick because when i meet amazing people thats all i think about is there thoughts
I know this girl she is a sweetheart to me...she deserves everything and if i could give it to here i would
Anyway back to the library I would have a suggestion box where people could drop off what they would want me to write
about and i would pick a few out each day or maybe more then a few depends on how writey i am feeling.
Who knows this could be the last thing i ever wrote i do now that it made me feel a lot better writing this and
I hope everyone i know can read it maybe it will change your perspective on me
I know a girl...know matter what I do or say to her I am low that makes me cry
Which I cant do maybe daddy issues i dont know ill explain that another time
Anyway I try to talk to her and she doesnt care she knows me inside and out
Or at least she did when I was younger...how do you get so close then just stop caring
how is that possible if anyone knows then tell me it would really help and i would understand
if i was an ignorant jerk wich btw i dont think people can be a jerk and not ignorant
because ignorance normally leads to being a jerk...misunderstandings and girls thats why we fight wars
well that and greed hah greed whats its like honestly i dont know the only thing im greedy for is love and
people to love me material objects are so meh they can break or get lost but real people are like fucking treasures
the brain is the most complex mechanism on this planet and we have millions of them
lets all network and share our thoughts in a good way and maybe we can create a utopia instead of using creativity against
each other lets use it with each other it would be fucking awsome

 Anyways im peacing im happy now this writing things is cool i understand it now :) <333
Current Music: senses fail
19 March 2009 @ 01:06 pm
no ones words except for hers can hurt me anymore then im already hurt dont you guys seem im already dead.
04 October 2008 @ 10:12 pm
Well I am not anymore :)
01 October 2008 @ 03:53 pm
By Cute is What We Aim for "If you lie haha you dont deserve to have friends."
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
30 September 2008 @ 12:20 am
the fact that you wont tell me who it is...i really wish i knew what happened i know its more then your leading on and its eating me alive
28 September 2008 @ 09:04 pm
im confused :( but not in a bad way I suppose
25 September 2008 @ 05:40 am
Most of the ones I know tend to be on a different wave length then me. Thats not really good I have a few ones that are the same as me hah but most people tend to not like them makes me pretty mad. I never connect with people and that really bothers me is everyone else really that empty or am I just empty. I lost 14 lbs since I started my mad dieting and excerise thing. Can't wait to see how it turns out I really think people will look at me different when I don't seem so big hah.I think I realized today that I don't like the drama that being in a band brings I never really liked the idea of choosing one person over the other that seems to be the root of most of my lying :( I wish I was happier I wish some magical person would come out of nowhere and make me happy and be my best friend thats what I need someone to save me.
Current Location: home
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: Brand New